Therapy and the power of pebbles and ripples

What if your therapy isn’t all about you? Well, it is, but also, in a way, it’s not!

One day, you see yourself in the mirror and acknowledge that something is just not right. Maybe your life has got stuck. Maybe your mood is low a lot of the time. Maybe you are angry. Irritable. Argumentative. Grief stricken. Depressed. Withdrawn. You feel lost and unfulfilled. Less than you’d like to be.

You feel some level of dissatisfaction with your life and the situation has got uncomfortable enough that you decide to speak to someone about it – a therapist.

Sometimes it’s not just you who’s noticed that you’ve been out of sorts. People close to you may have noticed too and made comments. They are concerned about you, or perhaps they are just fed up with your negative vibe.

So, you find a therapist and book yourself in. You finally stop ruminating and avoiding and actually start working your sh1t out. You start to move through this fog. Job done. Well, work in progress at least.

Just starting therapy can give a sense of satisfaction and feel like positive step. Feeling heard and understood is very therapeutic in itself. You can begin to get yourself back on track. You are going in a good direction with encouraging outcomes and start to feel better. But what if that’s only one part of the positive impact of your therapy?

In sessions, clients tell their story, and with feedback, they gradually see more clearly and understand better how things work for them. They explore and challenge assumptions and perceptions. They start to put new approaches in place.

Their difficulty can be straightforward or complex and be about so many different things, such as work, relationships, grief, anxiety. But often it can involve other people.

Their story can relate to partners, parents and other family members, work and colleagues or other people in their lives, or be about growing up generally and the parts other people played in that. The other people may be on the sidelines of the current problem or they may be the main focus of a client’s story.

A client may hold several aspects of their life in different “compartments” in their mind. Like different silos of information and experience. Then, as therapy progresses, these apparently separate parts to the story gradually or suddenly reveal themselves to be fundamentally linked, showing connections and patterns that collaboratively impact on what’s giving them trouble.

Clients also often mention people in passing who are not contributing to the problematic situation – partners, friends or family – but who may play supporting roles in the story and in their lives.

As a client describes what’s happening week to week, talking about changes and progress or otherwise, they may reveal important shifts in their thoughts, feelings and actions that show things are moving in a good direction. These translate into them feeling better, thinking better, looking better and doing better.

Clients may need encouragement and some nudging to see and fully appreciate the value in smaller changes. The tendency is only to look for progress in “headline” achievements. This shift of focus plays an important role in supporting clients to see they are moving and making progress. It can help with their ongoing commitment to therapy and moment-to-moment awareness. Not only that, but if what it took for them to make these small advances had been obvious or easy to do, clients would have seen them or done them already. So, small is definitely not insignificant.

But clients also overlook or underestimate another important phenomenon that happens when they make progress through therapy. They often report, as an aside, that they see other people are making positive changes in their lives too. They are pleased for them. This is usually spoken about as something separate, not connected to them, their therapy and their hard work at all.

What clients typically don’t consider is that people with whom they come into contact can actually be positively impacted by their progress. The client may not recognise the relevance of any changes in others. The other people themselves may not even notice. But the changes are noticeable. Noticeable enough that the client speaks about them in the session.

They may just describe how others appear to be “different somehow” without being able to put their finger on the specific changes. Perhaps the person is more relaxed, happier or less irritable. Just different. Some clients refer to these changes as a result of the other person’s own efforts at sorting things out for themselves. And this may well be true.

So many times though, the change in other people could actually be considered to be downstream from the work the client has put into their own progress. If it is presented to them in that context – something I am inclined to do in these situations – it can have a strong positive impact on the client, giving them the chance to reflect on the wider impact of their own efforts. Additional feel-good outcomes for them and further motivation to continue with therapy and improve further. It is further evidence, if more were needed, that going to therapy was a good choice.

Clients often believe that some of their own changes are purely down to chance or because someone else did something. It can be hard for clients to acknowledge that progress may actually be down to their own efforts. Highlighting positive changes in other people and floating the possibility that these changes are connected in some way to their own progress can provide another vantage point from which they can pin down and own their own real change. The observed changes in someone else may be unlikely to have happened without the changes in the client.

It is part of the therapeutic process where information about the client and their situation accumulates and is mutually acknowledged in the “space” between therapist and client. It becomes shared knowledge and once the client acknowledges it, is becomes permanent, signed off by both parties, like an anchor for progress and a solid point of reference.

Change in others may be easier to spot and acknowledge than what happens within oneself. The external evidence forms building blocks for further progress as well as giving a warm feeling inside.

Here are some examples, based on previous client stories, amended slightly to protect their privacy.

A thirty-something-year-old client grew up anxious and struggling with mental health, reaching precarious situations on more than one occasion in his teens and early 20s. Over the weeks in our sessions, we discussed various possible reasons for how his life was not running, and had not run, as smoothly as he’d like. He shared how his depleted sense of self and general personal dissatisfaction impacted his relationships, his work and his view of the future.

However, his quick mind and willingness to look and take on board feedback and make connections meant he rapidly integrated much of what we spoke about. His hardline, punitive perspective about the past eased up. His anger and resentment associated with some people softened. He was increasingly able to engage better at work and with his young family. He felt happier. He became overwhelmed less often and this meant he needed less “time out”. He was able to be less “on alert” about his mental health. Real progress. He had worked hard.

Then, in one session, he seemed excited about something and told me that he had his mum staying (she lives abroad). He shared how she seemed to be doing so much better and was pleased that she seemed to be working things through herself. She was less anxious, more talkative and more open.  She seemed more interested in my client’s life, his work and family. My client was clearly uplifted by what he saw in her.

They hadn’t been in each other’s company for nearly a year, as far as I can remember, and so I suggested that his mum would most likely have really noticed that he was different too. She would see this more clearly now in person than over occasional phone or video calls. She would certainly have picked up on the positive changes he had made. How, to her, he would appear steadier and more relaxed, giving off much less spiky turbulent mental health energy. My client agreed. So far so good.

When I then suggested that some of the changed mood and behaviour that his mum showed in his company could be because she no longer perceived the need to be so on guard for her son’s wellbeing, he stopped mid breath. Mouth still open, tears formed in his eyes and he realised the extent to which his mum had cared about him and therefore worried about him, carrying this with her every day. She had watched her son live with significant mental health challenges for 20 years.

Now, she was likely relieved, perhaps optimistic, even joyful, to see her son enjoying his life more fully and loving his partner and new baby, being enthusiastic about work and talking openly and honestly with her about his feelings. At least in part, she had changed how she was able to relate to her son because he had put in the hard work to understand, forgive and integrate the different parts of himself that had previously been pitted against each other. He had benefitted – and so had she.

Was he fixed? Well, no, not altogether. Do we ever get to that point? Who knows. But had these improvements in his life had a positive impact on people around him? Hell, yes! For his mum, this was like his unplanned, out-of-the-blue gift to her – his dedication to improving his own mental health and wellbeing had knock-on benefits for her. She could reclaim some emotional energy for herself.

And to keep this client as the example, he was pleased that his partner had somehow improved her mental health too. She was less edgy and seemed more relaxed at home. Previously, he may have become overwhelmed if his young son was tired or cranky and he would have felt his recurring doubts about being a good enough dad and hit a wall of anxiety. This meant that his partner felt she needed to step in and take over that bit of parenting while my client took himself off somewhere quiet to allow his head to slow down again. It was also a worry for her.

Now his partner, at a level, was noticing that the usual overwhelm wasn’t happening in the same way and so she was more comfortable to be getting on with independent activities around their home and not needing to be “supervising” close by. Again, my client put this down to her managing her stress better without considering it could be a bit of a byproduct of his own therapy and efforts to change and grow, reducing his anxiety and up-and-down mental health.

When working with a different client, we discovered in a session that when his boss would give him a task to do, my client would immediately have a series of questions and observations in his mind but hesitate to voice them. He kept quiet about his need for more information and clarity about exactly what his boss was expecting of him and how it could impact what he already had on his desk. Rather than asking for what he needed at the time, my client would ruminate anxiously on the situation for a day or two. Only when he then realised he couldn’t make progress without speaking to her would he approach her for clarification and more information.

My client realised that part of the reason for his anxious and unhappy mood during those two days in limbo was a consequence of his reluctance or hesitation to put forward his immediate insights – the instructions were unclear, the timescale may not have worked or that the resources required were not readily available. Perhaps he was trying to avoid his boss’s potential irritation or displeasure at being pressed for more. Didn’t want to appear stupid.

We explored too how his general reluctance to trust and express his thoughts, observations and needs may have formed early in his life for various reasons. He had become compliant and considerate and didn’t want to annoy anyone by asking questions and definitely wanted to avoid being on the receiving end of a telling off.

Now, while he had not suddenly become unflinchingly assertive, he had started to catch himself in similar situations. In the time between sessions after this insight, he noticed he was able to ask his boss in the moment about the reality of his being able to take on a new bit of work given his current commitments and what did she specifically want him to focus on. It turned out that the boss immediately apologised for not having considered these points and they worked out a solution to the situation together.

My client just mentioned in passing that she had surprised him with this new approach. He didn’t immediately join the dots that his firmer, clearer boundary had served to influence her management practice and increase her respect for staff. Since then, my client has said that his boss is also now more realistic, without prompts, about availability of resources and his existing commitments as well as being clearer from the outset about what her expectations are for my client from the tasks. This suits my client’s mind and meets his needs for better communication without necessarily feeling he needed to challenge his boss. He can more readily negotiate a work plan and avoid some of the previous, unnecessary stress. And she upgraded her management approach!

So, these are examples of how the personal work someone may do with a therapist may have unexpected positive consequences for others. The changes you may introduce as a result of therapy and your intent to improve yourself may subtly (or not so subtly) influence what people around you think, feel and do too!

At home, you may be able to be less snappy with your partner or kids, be less resistant to loading the dishwasher, keep an even tone in the debate about how much golf is being played this week. Perhaps your previous irritation or hair trigger become less reactive as you process and reframe historic “wrongs” against you. Perhaps your profound grief has eased and your mood has lifted.

But the thing you may not realise is the extent to which people are affected by the new atmosphere you hold around you. You move forward with less of a bow wave, less of that brittle defensive energy that may have been there and which affected others. This means people can ease up on their own alarm system when in your company. Their own defences and reactivity calm down. They tune in to something different, something quieter, even if they aren’t aware of it. Your kids start to say hi when they come home from school. Your ex invites you to a family celebration. You look forward to that concert you’ve arranged with your dad, as he does with you.

At work, perhaps you choose to be more mindful of what personal circumstances others are bringing with them to the workplace. You notice changes in yourself and you become more supportive, more engaged and less distant. You recognise you can involve people in projects in a more connected way. You no longer run hot and cold when you engage with your colleagues. Your telephone manner softens and customers thank you for your help. You talk face to face with your team or colleagues about new work plans and procedures rather than just emailing them round.

Then, on the other side, you begin to notice changes in those around you too. You notice that a previously stand-offish colleague keeps you in the loop about progress on a mutual project. Your boss approaches your desk and asks how your weekend went instead of being on the alert for your unpredictable mood and avoiding it by nipping onto their office, closing the door behind them. A member of your staff feels more able offer an opinion or suggestion that alters your previously hardline or resistant stance on an issue where previously they may have remained quiet in fear that they may be belittled or dismissed.

And it doesn’t stop there. As a result of the improved interactions with you, these other people will be in a better position to engage with others at work and when outside work in their social circle. This isn’t necessarily something people go around noticing. But it is there. It is happening all the time. Rather than spending time moaning about their unreasonable boss, they may share positive comments about a boss who supported their request to go on a professional development course, or whatever.

How you engage with others has an impact. If you are grumpy, mean spirited, unclear, angry, depressed or otherwise volatile, others notice and adopt a defensive, evasive or reactive position. They hold back. They may attack. They may feel humiliated. But if you clear more of your own path, working through situations from your past and present, the interactive boundary between you and everyone and everything else will be healthier. And people tune in to that, at a level not always perceived, and everyone’s outcomes can improve.

In Buddhist philosophy, “pebbles and ripples” show the power of karma and interconnectedness. A single pebble dropping into a pond or the ocean sends ripples outwards to distant shores. Every thought, word and action from each of us initiates a “cause and effect” cascade that impacts the universe. That sounds like a very grand statement, but it can truly form a foundation for compassionate and mindful living.

Even if you don’t decide to book yourself in for personal work with a therapist or coach, you can still pay attention more, moment to moment, and influence people and situations around you.

Remember too, that one breath, with awareness, is a meditation. Try it.

Speaking to a therapist can certainly help you. But it can also shift things for others. Win-win. Let’s have more of that!

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